Diary of a Middle Aged Mom

I’m turning forty in two days and I’m not handling it well. I am sad. Depressed. Wondering where my thirties went. Upset that my child bearing years are over. Not ready to shift from being the mom of a grade schooler and preschooler to the mom of two grade schoolers. I’m not ready. At the same time, I’m watching friends having new babies and rejoicing in their warm cuddly skin and fuzzy soft hair until they cry. And then I gladly hand them back to their rightful owner. Because I loved having babies and miss The Baby Years like crazy. But there is something to be said for a child that can feed, bathe and dress himself. And besides, I’m not sure how well I could manage attending to the needs of my 2 boys, elderly dog and the household I try very hard to run if there was a widdle crying baby demanding all of my time. But I’m still sad that my child bearing years are over.

AND SO…

I have made a resolution of sorts. I am going to work very hard on a daily basis to……write! I started this blog 8 years ago when I first became a rookie mom and have written in it on and off since then. But NOT ENOUGH. And it’s ok. I’ve been documenting our adventures through pictures and facebook posts and things like that. But starting today….two days before my birthday….I would like to do more.

So I’ve created an outline. One that I can refer to at the end of a long day and jot ideas quickly down on. Some days I may write more. Some days I may just jot words. But the idea is to highlight this truly delightful life that I have been blessed with day by day.

It’s unnerving for a person who possesses so much anxiety to reach middle age. Because it stirs all of the fears and worries that lay dormant in the back of the brain and reminds me of mortality. And I worry more. For my very elderly dog who the vet keeps reminding me is “well beyond her life expectancy.” For my aging parents. For my boys as they grow up and become awakened and exposed to aspects of life that we were able to shelter them from when they were little.

A couple of years ago at a New Years Eve party, guests were encouraged to write their New Year’s resolution on a wall-mural. I took a big fat marker and wrote: Be Present. And really tried to live that that year. The year when my big one was 5 and my little one was 2 and I was home with them a lot and we had adventures every day. And also sometimes I wanted to pull my hair out and got grand headaches. Nevertheless, I worked everyday to do just that: Be Present.

So here I am. Forty and ready to do it again. Daily writing template resolution. Focusing on the good. Because, really, there is so much good to report in my life. My parents are both living and loving life. My family lives close by and I can rely on them for anything. I have a beautiful little niece. I am happily married. I have two healthy and wonderful boys. My dog has lived beyond her life expectancy. I have a house that I like and a bed that is comfortable and keeps me warm at night. I have food on the table. I love my job….and I really could go on and on. But I won’t. I will focus only on today. And complete DAY 1 of my daily template. So here it is:

Rocketman:  The amazing Rocketman attended his friend Anthony’s birthday party today. It was a rockclimbing/pool party at the YMCA. The Amazing Rocketman strapped on his rock climbing gear and climbed all the way to the very TOP of the rockwall as the parents and kids cheered like crazy and the bell was rung to celebrate. My little developmentally delayed boy has come so far.

Bubba: My tantrum throwing, anger management needing preschooler acted like such a chivalrous little man today. While Hubs and Rocketman were at the birthday party, I worked hard to get things done around the house on the last day before going back to school after February Vacation. Bubba worked right alongside me to clean up every inch of the playroom, organizing each toy into their labeled bin. When he was ready for
“inspecktion,” My overdramatic rejoicing was met with his tiny-toothed grin stretching ear to ear as he stood as high as he could reach with pride. He’s working hard to be such a little big boy.

Zen moment: Sadie is struggling with arthritis and having trouble getting up. She lays on the floor barking at me, but I don’t know exactly what she is asking. But, though it is crisp, it is a beautiful sunny day and the vet recommended getting The Big Girl up and moving to keep her joints going. While I have to bribe her to get up with a pepperoni, she does indeed get up and off we walk. Bubba rides his little blue balance bike like a champ and Sadie leads the way, much further than I expect. She slowly hobbles through the neighborhood, stopping at any remaining patch of snow she can find. We reach the dead end, where I take off her leash and let her wander through the muddy leaves and into remnants of snow leftover from a plow two weeks ago. She climbs the small mountain and snuffles through the dirty snow. Bubba marches up a mound of dirt to find a long lost “crystal rock.” Although he can’t find it, he doesn’t throw a fit…as he would have 6 months ago, but says, “I know! I’ll just look for another crystal rock!” He finds a “baby” one 2 minutes later and proudly places in the pocket of his jacket after my suggestion to do so. By now, Sadie is laying in the snow, her snout digging through to find the fresh stuff underneath the dirty top layer. She rolls onto her back and smiles at me for the first time in a long time. Bubba picks up a stick and plants it in the snow next to Sadie, claiming that it is a flag. Sadie rolls around a little bit more, disrupting the “flag.” Bubba almost gets mad, but instead says, “Aww, Sadie loves my flag too.” After a good roll, Sadie gets herself up with the support of the snow underneath her and wanders over to me. I click on her leash and Bubba boards his bike. And slowly we begin our journey home.

Something that made me laugh/smile: Sadie in the snow.

An act of kindness: I was frustrated. Joe was cranky. Ben was off and anxious about going back to school tomorrow. I was anxious and cranky too, but trying not to show it. Bubba walks over to me as I try to fit the finicky bottom sheet around the corner of me bed and simply states: I love you Mommy.

A moment to be thankful for: Sadie walking two blocks by choice.

Today I’m feeling: Sad. Tired. Depressed. Anxious.

 

 

 

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